Write in the Kisser

Look, I get it. You’re a naturally amiable lad or lassie, well-liked and even somewhat respected in your circle of peers. You’re frequently invited to parties, hugged by acquaintances you haven’t seen in awhile, and grinned at knowingly by coworkers who pass you in the hall. Your voicemail is rarely devoid of messages, your email rarely devoid of chain letters forwarded by your grandmother, and your Facebook and MySpace pages rarely devoid of stupid inside jokes that nobody else in the world gives a good goddamn about. And because of this, you are miserable. Why is everyone so nice to me? you agonize to yourself night after night. Why can’t they treat me like a cowering schnauzer that has just shat upon the Oriental? you hyperventilate after yet another pleasant elevator conversation. What do I have to do to keep people from actually enjoying my company? you cry through the shadowy grill of the confessional booth. How can I make sure that people will go out of their way to avoid eye contact with me? you demand of the rather startled McDonald’s cashier as you peruse the dollar menu.

Well, rhetorically ask no more! After being flooded with a deluge of requests from readers desperately hoping to reduce their number of friends, loved ones, and unintentionally proximal strangers during these trying economic times, I have come up with a surefire list of tips and techniques scientifically designed to exceed mere “obnoxiousness” and explode into the realm of “spectacular obnoxiousness” within just a few short lunar cycles of their implementation.

IMPORTANT: It is not recommended that you enact all—or even most—of these strategies at the same time, as such an act is likely to result in your immediate demise at the hands of an overwhelmingly obnoxiated member of the general public. That said, please remember that variety is the spice of life—and that oregano is still as pissed off as hell about that.

How to Be Spectacularly Obnoxious

• Begin every sentence with the phrase “Drum roll please!” while slapping the nearest solid object rapidly with your hands for at least 30 seconds.
• Buy an old pair of Velcro sneakers and discourse at length about the dangers of laced shoes whenever you wear them. For an extra dose of obnoxiousness, every few minutes tell whoever you’re walking with to hold on so that you can tie your shoe. Then begin laughing outrageously and announce, “Oops, I forgot I was wearing Velcro!”
• Write “Your Ad Here” in the middle of your forehead in Magic Marker. After a few weeks, replace the phrase with poorly drawn logos of large corporations.
• For this next one you’ll need some supplies: A shirt with a breast pocket, a hunk of cheese, and two or three cotton balls. Step 1: Put on shirt with pocket. (Bonus points if the shirt is Hawaiian.) Step 2: Stuff cotton balls into pocket. Step 3: Stuff cheese into separate pocket (or, if boobed, purse). Step 4: Leave house. Step 5: Engage those you meet outside house in conversation. (FYI, these may be people you know or people you don’t know. It doesn’t matter.) Step 6: Randomly interrupt conversation to pull open shirt pocket and slip in bits of cheese while talking in a baby voice and gentle stroking pocket from the outside. Step 7: Repeat.
• Wear a sundial instead of a watch. When someone asks for the time, shine a penlight on the sundial while squinting heavily and making thoughtful “hmmm” noises. Ultimately, make up a time—the less plausible, the better (e.g., 43 o’clock).
• Carry a Mcgill Nickel Plated Steel Money Changer on your belt stocked with foreign coinage. When asked to make change, say “Sure! How many rupees^[1] you need, Guv-nuh?!”
• Always wear your clothes inside-out. When challenged, insist that the rest of the world is doing it wrong.
• Fill a backpack or briefcase with items that are more or less guaranteed to be useless at any given time. Examples include Russian nesting dolls; an empty stapler; Nickelodeon Gak, Floam, Smud, Goooze, Skweeez, and/or Sqand; a framed picture of Freddy Prinze, Jr.; etc. Carry this backpack or briefcase everywhere. Whenever somebody asks for your help, remove an object at random and confidently declare, “This should do the trick!” Make sure to vigorously defend the utility of your proffered object with respect to the situation in which you were asked for help if greeted with skepticism, mockery, or flying fecal matter.
• Call up local pizza companies and ask if they sell those circular, dairy-topped objects you’ve seen on television. When they ask if you mean “pizza,” say, “No, no, the whatchmacallems…cheese Frisbees!” Insist they cook one for you—and no skimping on the Frisbee.
• Coat a pair of shoes in glitter and fluorescent fabric paint and begin all future conversations by saying, “I couldn’t help notice you admiring my shoes. Well, it certainly explains why they call me ‘Twinkle Toes,’ doesn’t it!” (Optional obnoxiousness: Elbow listener in the ribs repeatedly as you recite the “Twinkle Toes” line.)
• Always use a cell phone that is at least 10 years old.
• Decline all drink offers from friends or family members while making a conspicuous show of drinking from your own personal flask or wineskin. When questioned, mumble incoherently but vociferously about your enemies.
• During the fall and winter months, strap small squares of sod to your bare feet in place of shoes and muse out loud about how much you’ve missed the sensation of grass between your toes.
• Print t-shirts with a close-up of your face on them and the caption, “My Favoritest Person Ever!” underneath. Give to friends and relatives on all gift-giving holidays. (Bonus obnoxiousness: After saturating the market, expand merchandise line to include sweatshirts, mugs, mouse pads, thongs, etc. This will take care of Christmases and birthdays for the next decade or so.)
• Carry a monocle at all times. When asked any question, hold the monocle to your eye and stare keenly at the asker for an uncomfortable number of seconds before answering. Feel free to make liberal use of the phrase, “mmmm, yes” during this time.
• Wear a different, blatantly false mustache each day of the week. Look confused when people bring it up.

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[1] Say “rupees” no matter what kind of money you’re actually using. It’s more obnoxious that way.

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